Quora

‘ Dirty jokes’

1. A Panda bear who is in the Navy finally gets some shore leave and is randy. So he goes to a bar, has some drinks and meets a Lady of the Night. They find their way to a hotel and do their thing, you know, what Panda bears and prostitutes do! When they’re over the Panda bear gets up and starts putting on his clothes. The prostitute looks at him and says, “aren’t you forgetting something?” Panda bear, “I don’t think so, I got my hat, my jacket. Nope!” Why don’t you look up prostitute in the dictionary? So he does and it says “Prostitute: a women you pay for sexual favors”. The Panda bear says, “why don’t you look up Panda bear in the dictionary.” So she does, “Panda: bear from Southeast Asia. Eats, shoots and leaves.”

2. Back to the hole

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an

earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm

back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly

and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the

worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the

house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another

five dollars. The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma ”
3.ROMANCE

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her

husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his

hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand

gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a

point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further

down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left

thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position

herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

“Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered.

He whispered back, ” I found the remote!”
4. Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to

New York.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,

‘If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes????

‘The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, ‘If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby

cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?’

The flight attendant responded, ‘Did your mother tell you to ask me that?’ The little boy

admitted that she did.

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines

always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.!!!”

A kid was looking at his mom’s ID card. It was written SEX-F. He then starts to laugh.

The mom asks why he was laughing :

He said i cant believe u r so bad in sex u got an F.

Father Died Laughing.

The nursery school teacher held up a picture and asked, “What’s this?” “A horsey!” one child

answered. “And this?” “A piggy!” “And now this?” asked the teacher, holding up a picture of

a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was total silence. “Come now, children,”

she coaxed, “I’ll give you a little hint: What does Mommy call Daddy when he hugs and

kisses her a lot?” “I know! I know!!” exclaimed one little girl. “It’s a horny bastard!”

This Little Johnny cockroach joke is the best!

Little Johnny was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started annoying him. He

tried to stomp on them, but his father reprimanded him, saying, “Stop that, John! Now

you’ll get no honey for a month!” Later, Little Johnny caught some butterflies and started

torturing them. His father yelled, “Stop that, John! Now you’ll get no butter for a month!”

That evening, as Little Johnny’s mother prepared dinner, a cockroach scurried across the

kitchen floor. She stomped it dead. Little Johnny looked at his father and asked, “You gonna

tell her or should I?
5.Dedicated to All the Logic in the World…

There were two sisters. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) & the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the house. SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half

minutes ? I wonder what he wants.

SL : It’s logical.He wants to rape us.

SM : Oh, no ! At this rate he will reach us in 4 minutes at the most ! What can we do?

SL : The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster…..

SM : It’s not working.

SL : Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 2 minutes.

SL : The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way & I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both. Man follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the house and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then within few minutes Sister Logical arrives.

SM : Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here !

Tell me what happened ??

SL : The only logical thing happened.

The man couldn’t follow us both,

so he followed Me

SM : Yes, yes !

But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened.

I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And ?

SL : The only logical thing happened.

He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear !

What did you do ?

SL : The only logical thing to do.

I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister !

What did the Man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do.

He pulled down his pants.

SM :Oh, no !

What happened next ?

SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister ?

A Girl with her dress up can run faster than Man with his pants down !

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I’ll pray for You !…..

So be Logical not Calculative…!!!
6. I saw a pair of knickers today on the front it said, “I would do anything for love” and on

the back it said “but I won’t do that”.

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, “How would you like your steak,

sir?”

“The same way I like my sex,” I replied.

He smiled and said, “So.. Rare?”

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

What they mean, when they say: “I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film.”

7. A fly was buzzing above a lake and a fish in the lake thought to itself, “If only that fly

would drop six inches, I would be able to jump up and eat it.” A bear was in the lake and

thought, “If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would jump up and I would be able

to catch the fish.” A hunter was on the grounds and he thought to himself, “If only that fly

would drop six inches, the fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish, and I could

shoot that bear.” The hunter had a cheese sandwich that day, and a mouse wished, “If only

that fly would drop six inches, that fish would catch the fly, the bear would catch the fish,

the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would be able to get his cheese sandwich.” A cat was

nearby too, and said to itself, “If only that fly would drop six inches, the fish would catch the

fly, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would

scramble for the cheese, and I would catch that mouse.”

Then, the fly did drop six inches, got eaten by the fish, which was captured by the bear,

which was shot by the hunter, whose cheese was stolen by the mouse, but the cat slipped

and fell straight into the lake.

Moral of the story? Every time a fly drops six inches, there’s bound to be a wet pussy.

8. What’s the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman’s mouth?

Einstein’s Cock

 9. A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly

having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks

“how did you do?”. She says, “I did pretty well, I made $200.50”. He asks, “What

asshole gave you 50 cents?” and she replies “all of them”

 I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop

wanking. When I asked why she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!

 Statistically… 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

 A guy and a girl get on an elevator in a hospital. The guy hits three, and asks the girl

“which floor?” to which she replies “Four, please.”

 

Making conversation, the girl says “I’m here to give blood.  What are you here for?”

The guy says “I’m actually here to donate sperm.  They give me eighty dollars for it.”

The girl goes, “Huh.  I only get ten dollars for giving plasma.”  They get off the elevators

on their respective floors.

The next week, the same guy gets on the elevator to go give sperm again. Lo and behold,

the same girl gets on. “Nice to see you again. What floor, miss?”

“Mmmmph!”, she says, and holds up three fingers.

10. How about I tell you a joke about a penis ,..Leave it anyway , its too long..

  1. How about I tell you a joke about pussy,.. Leave it anyway , you wont get it.

Comments

comments

Most Popular

To Top